Sam Vaknin’s Instagram Epigrams (archive only)
Narcissism with Vaknin on Instagram (active account)
Get too close to a
narcissist and you get sucked into his/her absence,
his/her black rabbit hole. Clip courtesy of @escapingmyfairytale
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Video dated 2012. The sadist and the bully regard themselves as artists of pain, craftsmen of intimidation.
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Nothing more pathetic and venomous than a collapsed histrionic drama queen way past her prime in a desperate hunt for elusive narcissistic supply.
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Full video on my YouTube channel. Narcissistic
abuse forces the victims to develop their own reactive and defensive false
selves.
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A good overview of my work on narcissism with one egregious mistake: my work is based on longitudinal interviews over 30 years with 2300 people diagnosed with NPD without any comorbidities or co-occurrences. By a huge margin, this is the largest sample ever studied. Another error: the discard phase is an ineluctable phase of the shared fantasy. It has nothing to do with narcissistic supply.
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3 lectures by psychology professor and narcissistic abuse study pioneer, Sam Vaknin. 26th Eurostar International Transpersonal Conference. October 2026. Greece. @2026eurotasconference
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Two dysfunctional reactions to hurt and rage: to suppress and repress them or to fixate on grudges and ruminate.
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We have all forgotten how to properly apologize for our misbehavior. It is a sign of rising narcissistic entitlement.
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30 years ago, I coined the phrase “malignant optimism” to describe the pathological hope that motivates victims to remain in abusive and toxic relationships.
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The narcissist believes himself to be omniscient (all-knowing) and infallible (never wrong). To buttress this counterfactual fantastic view, the narcissist is steeped in confirmation bias.
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I am not rejecting YOU or your intimacy. I am fleeing your ABSENCE.
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Narcissists hold everybody in undisguised contempt as vastly inferior lifeforms. Clip courtesy of @narc_destroyer_
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Postpartum dysphoria is very common and could lead to a dysfunctional pattern of childbearing.
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FREE Ohrid
Seminar about the life cycle of the narcissist, May 21-24 2026. To reserve
your seat, write now to: [email protected]
Ohrid is a world heritage site and one of the most
beautiful cities in the world. Perched on a lake, it sports hundreds of
exquisite churches, a fort, and amazing architecture. It is an undiscovered
gem.
The Vaknin-Rangelovska Foundation is and the Commonwealth Institute (CIAPS) of
Cambridge, UK are organizing a free seminar May 21-24, 2026. The topic: “Life
Cycle of the Narcissist: Relationships with Parents, Intimate Partners, His/her
Children: Progression from Self to Objects”.
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Psychopaths distort your perception of external reality (gaslighting) by manipulating your internal reality. Narcissists distort your perception of internal reality (entrainment) by manipulating your external reality (fantasy, impaired reality testing).
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Pathological narcissism checklist. Video courtesy of @jackgetz.1
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Věra Krincvajová, @verakrincvajova the renowned dramaturg from Czech TV, has just informed me that I will be interviewed as the sole international expert in their forthcoming series on dark personalities. Looking forward to working with the team (one of whom - Kupšovský Daniel Jan - is studying psychology).
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A Vice documentary: pathological narcissism as a positive adaptation to contemporary civilization.
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The breakup with the narcissist - even when initiated by them - feels like betrayal and abandonment. You somehow end up feeling guilty!
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The crisis in the Middle East and global geopolitics. Talk in Glasot na Narodot with Slobodan Tomik and Jean Stanoevski. My responses in English. Show recorded a week ago.
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One of the functions of Narcissistic Abuse is to test you: Will you continue to love the narcissist unconditionally despite his or her egregious misbehavior? Clip from the Skopje seminar, May 2025.
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Case
Study
A mortified narcissist threatens and blackmails a victim and his associate via
multiple WhatsApp chats. He then denies any of it. How come?
The Prosocial Narcissist is anxious about the crimes he has committed
(blackmail being only one of them). He dissociates the events (selective
amnesia), confabulates, DARVO reframes (claims to have been the real victim),
and denies reality.
He splits (his victim is all bad, he is all good and moral) as a hero-savior.
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The narcissist has to be unique! “Look at me! No one is as grandiose as I am!” 🤣 Digital monument courtesy of @isadorduskin3
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When in the 1980s and 1990s I coined the phrase “narcissistic abuse” and was the first to describe it, I faced pushback from established experts and scholars: “There is no need to differentiate abuse by narcissist from any other type of abuse!”, they thundered. Four decades later, the very same people are capitalizing on the wave. Full video on my YouTube channel in the Abuse playlist.
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Full video in the Narcissistic Abuse Healing playlist on my YouTube channel. In the wake of narcissistic abuse, the grief is “archeological”: multi-layered and multifaceted. Clip from the Skopje Seminar, May 2025.
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Psychopaths possess superficial charm which they use to appear to be prosocial and empathic and to manipulate their marks. The narcissist’s charm is boyish, puerile, and age inappropriate. Ironically, narcissists are more likely to be perceived as smarmy, creepy, manipulative, and antisocial.
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Lecture on Narcissism: Failure of Othering, Becoming in IV Jornadas Internacionales de Cultura Audiovisual y Literaris May 14-15, 2026. Who said academe is not glamorous??? Iberostar is one palace of a hotel (from Tenerife to Gran Canaria just a short hop away).
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Full video on my YouTube channel. Nothing more
pathetic and venomous than a collapsed
histrionic drama queen or theater kid way past his or her prime in a
desperate hunt for narcissistic supply, often casting herself as a victim or
the target of some evildoers.
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The collapsed histrionic, exactly like the collapsed narcissist, develops
hypervigilance and grandiose paranoid ideation (“I am so important and unique
that I am surely targeted by my inferiors or by evil people and malevolent
conspiracies”).
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Full video posted on my YouTube channel in July 2025.
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Victim develops a transient False Self as imaginary friend and transitional
object to protect against the aggressor-abuser and to placate him.
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Unpredictability and Uncertainty (Intermittent Reinforcement)
The abuser
acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and irrationally. This serves
to render others dependent upon the next twist and turn of the abuser, his next
inexplicable whim, upon his next outburst, denial, or smile.
Withholding (of sex, affection, care, and empathy) and other passive-aggressive
behaviors (such as “silent treatment”) are integral to this variant of abusive
conduct.
The abuser makes sure that HE is the only reliable element in the lives of his
nearest and dearest – by shattering the rest of their world through his
seemingly insane behaviour. He perpetuates his stable presence in their lives –
by destabilizing their own.
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Idealization is widely misunderstood. Watch this video to get it right.
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You admire reality, you idealize fantasy.
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Search the shared fantasy playlist on my YouTube channel. The discard phase of the narcissist’s shared fantasy is unbearable because it appears to be abrupt and senseless. It is anything but. It is the culmination of an inexorable narrative.
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Splitting: the child assumes the bad object and internalizes it This induces shame and revictimization later in life. Unboundaried enmeshment and identification with the aggressor
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Full video on my YouTube channel. The narcissists speech is performative: not intended to communicate, but to signal, impress and manipulate.
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Swipe left for another short clip. Clip 1: Why you MUST expose the abuser Clip 2 The moment you have realized that you have been abused is both harrowing and liberating. With @adventuresinadversitypodcast
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Trying to make sense of a relationship with a narcissist can be mindbending. Courtesy of @escapingmyfairytale
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Mark Thmoas Beare gave a great presentation on his groundbreaking MPIT and ASR theories of narcissistic abuse in my Ohrid seminar @mirroredpsychicinversiontheory
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The first few minutes of the free seminar in Ohrid: “The Life Cycle of the Narcissist”.
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The narcissist forces you to become like the part of himself that s/he finds objectionable via projective identification. I call it projective resonance. Courtesy of @narc_destroyer_
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Unaware of WHY You Act the Way You Do? Want to know what your TRUE motivations are? Look no further than the consequences and outcomes of your actions.
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Every creative person triggers envy
in less talented people. Every Mozart has a Salieri. We live in an age of
imitation and piracy, intellectual theft (idearism),
outright plagiarism, and the death of the auteur, when reproducible copies are
indistinguishable from originals. It is a morality play or moral parable (good
vs. evil) that plays on victimhood. Psychological obsession as spectacle. Clip
courtesy of @danielmorad_1
LITERATURE
Mozart didn’t need a murderer. We gave him one anyway By David K. Israel,
Washington Post Opinion, May 9, 2026
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Celebrated attorney Rebecca Zung (@rebeccazung ) sheds
light on the multiple
crimes involved in a smear campaign and how to fight back legally. Her
YouTube channel:
https://m.youtube.com/@RebeccaZungEsq?ra=m
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Third-rate opportunistic coaches, wannabe failed podcasters, fishy, iffy documentary filmmakers, and a rabble of way worse characters have converged on the “narcissists are evil monsters” trend. They milk the gullible and hateful and the truly hurting, gleefully laughing all the way to the bank.
A few irresponsible and rabid academics and clinicians, usually charlatans and self-enriching con-artists are the worst offenders against the basic moral tenets of their profession: do no harm, spread no evil and hatred, attempt to heal and help.
Real victims are in pain. They seek an explanation for what has just transpired. They cling to any semblance of empathy and succor, however fake. They are angry and sad. And they are cynically, heartbreakingly taken advantage on by predators masquerading as coaches and “experts”.
The demonization and castigation of narcissists have reached a breaking point of no return, to mix my metaphors. If not arrested now, it will end badly. Someone will die. It is getting really wild and terrifying out there.
Narcissists are mentally ill. They are delusional and trapped in fantasy. They are immature and, like all of us, are doing their best to cope. I am not aware of any other diagnosis or group of psychologically impaired people who are being so egregiously hated and damned.
That is not to say that narcissists do not harm people. They do. Society and individuals need to learn to recognize the signs, avoid narcissists, and stay safe. Where right to do so and applicable, we need to punish narcissists for their misdeeds the way we punish all transgressors, narcissists or not.
Studies show that pathological narcissism in milder forms can be a force for good. Narcissists have created most of the world we live in today: its literature and arts, the technologies we use, the religions we adhere to.
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Three lectures by Sam Vaknin in a conference in Greece, October 2026
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Limerence is not love. It involves idealization.
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Initial screen test in Skopje, prior to the mega interview with Czech TV. Věra Krincvajová, @verakrincvajova the renowned dramaturg from Czech TV, has just informed me that I will be interviewed as the sole international expert in their forthcoming series on dark personalities. Looking forward to working with the team (one of whom - Kupšovský Daniel Jan - is studying psychology).
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If you couldn’t care less regarding what people have to say about you now that you are alive - why would you care about their opinion after you die?
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Clip from the Ohrid seminar. Full video on my YouTube channel. The narcissist’s False Self creates representations (“snapshots”) of other people, incorporates them, and then starts to experience dissonance.
WATCH Why Narcissist Can’t “See” You (False Self as Selfobject) (Conference Presentation) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13WCunSPVLA
Ohrid Seminar, May 2026 “Life Cycle of the Narcissist: Parents, Partners, Children (From Self to Objects)”.
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Excerpts from the Ohrid Seminar May 2026: Self-less individuals. Clips courtesy of @reframingtheself
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On August 22–23, the online conference “50 Shades of Narcissism” will bring together psychologists, psychotherapists, and mental health professionals to explore one of the most discussed and controversial topics in contemporary psychology — narcissism.
A special guest of the conference is Sam Vaknin, author of “Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited”, researcher of narcissistic personality disorder, and one of the world’s best-known voices on the subject of narcissism.
The conference will address narcissistic vulnerability, shame, grandiosity, envy, the need for recognition, trauma, relationships, and the challenges of psychotherapy with clients who present narcissistic personality organization.
The event is intended for psychologists, psychotherapists, students of psychology, and anyone interested in gaining a deeper understanding of narcissism beyond popular stereotypes.
More information and registration: https://psypedia.ru/narcissizm
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Self-love: best and sole defense against abusers and predators.
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Psychopath has superficial charismatic charm
Narcissist has had a boyish charm, a child vibe
This is why the narcissist’s charm becomes creepy, slimy, unctuous: it is age inappropriate, gauche, cringeworthy, awkward
Add to this uncanny valley reaction:
Superficial charm and glibness in both the psychopath and the prosocial narcissist.
But, as opposed to the psychopath, the narcissist triggers uncanny valley reaction and is an ostentatious do-gooder: performatively moral, helpful, and altruistic.
Pathological charmers react with rage and aggression when their intended targets prove to be impervious and resistant to their lure. This kind of narcissistic injury — being spurned and rebuffed — makes them feel threatened, rejected, and denuded.
Flashing: mask slips, cracks in the facade: impatience, irritability, frustration, aggression, contempt shines through.
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Vicarious traumatization and moral injury occur when you witness injustice, abuse, other people’s trauma.
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Envy is one of the diagnostic criteria of NPD in the DSM. The envious person wishes to annihilate the frustrating object.
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Self-love is a healthy self-regard and the pursuit of one’s happiness and favorable outcomes. It rests on four pillars:
1. Self-awareness: an intimate, detailed and compassionate knowledge of oneself, a SWOT analysis: strengths, weaknesses, others’s roles, and threats
2. Self-acceptance: the unconditional embrace of one’s core identity, personality, character, temperament, relationships, experiences, and life circumstances.
3. Self-trust: the conviction that one has one’s best interests in mind, is watching one’s back, and has agency and autonomy: one is not controlled by or dependent upon others in a compromising fashion
4. Self-efficacy: the belief, gleaned from and honed by experience, that one is capable of setting rational, realistic, and beneficial goals and possesses the wherewithal to realize outcomes commensurate with one’s aims.
Self-love is the only reliable compass in life. Experience usually comes too late, when its lessons can no longer be implemented because of old age, lost opportunities, and changed circumstances. It is also pretty useless: no two people or situations are the same. But self-love is a rock: a stable, reliable, immovable, and immutable guide and the truest of loyal friends whose only concern in your welfare and contentment.
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Healthy, normal people have significant others. Narcissists have only insignificant others: interchangeable, indistinguishable, replaceable.
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The shared fantasy is a fairy tale gone horror movie. Clips courtesy of @escapingmyfairytale
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Clip 1: Why narcissist can’t let you be your own person Clip 2 Why narcissists deny all wrongdoing. With @adventuresinadversitypodcast
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“Coaches” and “experts” in the narcissistic abuse space are actually narcissists and they keep the victims in a state of victimhood in order to make money off of them.
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Visit the Ohrid Seminar and the Skopje Seminar playlists on my YouTube channel for more. Deep dive in the Zagreb seminar playlist. The narcissist cannot be loved because he perceives your love as a threat.
Ohrid Seminar, May 2026 “Life Cycle of the Narcissist: Parents, Partners, Children (From Self to Objects)”: https://narcissistic-abuse.com/ohrid-2026
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THANK YOU! Heartfelt gratitude to all my clients for their unwavering support: financial, legal, and, above all, moral. For believing in me and helping me to fight off an egregious defamation campaign and bring its perpetrators to justice (soon).
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The narcissist signals profound, intense intimacy early on. But this is a simulation. It is actually auto-intimacy. Healthy people perceive the Self as an internal object. The narcissist sometimes externalizes it and then is capable of safe intimacy with it. But this can be done only via the mediation of an internal object that represents an external one. Hyporeflexivity vs. hyperreflexivity.
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4 hours mega interview with Czech TV’s Věra Krincvajová, @verakrincvajova the renowned dramaturg, for their forthcoming series on dark personalities. Also participated Kupšovský Daniel Jan, a dramaturg who studies psychology. I have a feeling that they were not happy with the outcome: I offered a nuanced view of narcissism, refused to demonize narcissists, insisted that victims of narcissistic abuse contribute to their predicament, and that empaths are self-aggrandizing narcissists. These kinds of academic insights don’t sell. The masses crave for victimhood conspiracy narratives. Photos courtesy of @reframingtheself
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Narcissists do not gaslight. They are delusional (cannot tell the difference between reality and fantasy). They believe their own confabulations. But their victims experience this as gaslighting. Clip courtesy of @narc_destroyer_
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Catering to the needs of strangers, but not your loved ones, nearest, or dearest is the kind of people-pleasing that is intended to avoid intimacy.
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Narcissist weaponizes language. S/he uses it not to communicate but to impress and manipulate. The speech of the narcissist requires decoding.
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In spotting phase, narcissist stares, glares, scans, and analyzes. Shy away. Avoid eye contact. Walk away. Surround yourself with others.
After initial contact, in the auditioning phase, the narcissist subjects you to 3 tests:
1. Are you capable of being idealized? Minimal traits, assets, and behaviors.
2. Are you able to provide 2 of the 4 Ss? Sex: find him irresistible, enthusiastic, consensual-submissive, prone to sexual fantasies, unboundaried-kinky, self-trashing, promiscuous. Services (that he needs and lacks). Supply (narcissistic or sadistic): adoring, uncritical, submissive, masochistic, self-loathing. Safety: addictive personality, maternal bonding, loyal, inertial.
3. Are you vulnerable to shared fantasy? Damaged-broken, daydreamer, abhors reality, romantic (even as a friend), grandiose, self-love deficit.
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The body is a much-neglected aspect of recovery and healing from narcissistic abuse. Skopje Seminar May 2025.
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People stay in bad relationships not because they are hoodwinked and deceived. Studies show this to be completely untrue. They remain in abusive relationships because they are getting something out of it and they refuse to move on. It is a CHOICE.
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Member of the Scientific Committee of the 5th International Congress on Behavioral and Social Science Research (ICBSSR 2027), February 2027, Miami, USA.
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Trauma imprinting and triggering cascade. Clips courtesy of @escapingmyfairytale
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Pathological narcissism is not a mere obnoxious personality style. It is a harsh mental illness bordering on psychosis.
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Narcissist’s CROCODILE APOLOGIES. The narcissist’s “remorse” is public, ostentatious, and intended solely to elicit narcissistic supply. It is a spectacle.
It is a part of the repertory of pseudo-affects in prosocial and covert narcissism (such as pseudo-humility).
Ego-dystonic vs. ego-syntonic negative affects.
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Isn’t this the point of it all: growing old together? With my wife, @reframingtheself, through ups and downs, we have made a difference in the lives of millions who have never even heard of us. It is now time to fade gently and look back with both pride and sadness at the three decades we have shared and made our own.
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University attendance, challenging expertise, AI relies on Reddit, literacy, and IQ are on the decline, replaced by crowdsourcing (wisdom)
Access to Google and AI equalizes data acquisition
People erroneously equate anecdotes, experience, and raw data to knowledge
Everyone is an expert on the fly, fake it till you make it, improvise
Magical thinking: we already know everything, introspection is superior to scientific method because it yields certainties rather than falsifiable theories
Opinions are just another type of facts
Envy and contempt of higher education: a form of elitist brainwashing.
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For an extended treatment of self betrayal trauma, watch my October 2020 video titled “Silencing/Denying Your Pain (Starts 16:10): Betrayal Trauma, Blindness”.
Lidija Rangelovska @reframingtheself suggests that when you repress and ignore your gifts and endowments in order to punish or to please the abuser, it is self-destructive. You are denying yourself: your looks, joy (joie de vivre), talents, creativity, empathy, compassion, sociability, sexuality.
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The first in a series of lectures in multiple countries in Africa. Sponsored by the Innersight Africa Foundation, the Vaknin-Rangelovska Foundation, and the Commonwealth Institute in Cambridge, UK. Write to [email protected] or DM me to get a free invitation to the Zoom meeting. Zoom link: https://bit.ly/Narcissism-InDalyLife
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Narcissistic abuse appears to be so random, so senseless, so meaningless and unjust. This arbitrariness is one of the sources of the writhing agony of the victim. The narcissist is supposed to be human and yet it acts as a natural disaster or a pathogen would.
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The Life, God, and Death Voices in narcissists and their victims compete for mastery.
Ohrid Seminar, May 2026 “Life Cycle of the Narcissist: Parents, Partners, Children (From Self to Objects)”: https://narcissistic-abuse.com/ohrid-2026
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Cerebral narcissists are asexual and regard the demands of intimacy as nuisances distracting them from their cosmically significant intellectual contributions to humanity. So, why do they bother to have relationships at all?
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Watch: Related Videos by Prof. Vaknin
Ranked by relevance to this article — start with #1, scroll right for more
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1
Bleeding-edge Narcissism Know-how (Readers House UK)
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2
On Narcissists and Narcissism (Sam Vaknin on Exist Real in NAVSOS, Worthing UK)
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3
Narcissism: The New Normal? (Mental Health Speak Show)
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4
Sam Vaknin Narcissistic Abuse LIVE, Questioning Your Answers (Narcissism Summaries YouTube Channel)
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5
Sam Vaknin’s Party Boat of Harsh Truths Facebook Group Q&A (with Sherri McKeon)
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6
Narcissism 101 and Narcissistic Abuse 101 with Robert Stark
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7
Narcissism: 3 Self-styled Experts Ask, Prof. Answers (with Antoine Peytavin and Friends)
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8
Unmasking Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Their Abuse with RUTH JACOBS in CAMBRIDGE, UK (In the Booth)